Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I could fuck to npr.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
