u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
