i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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