I can tuck mytits in my pants
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
