If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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