I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
