Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
