i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm at about main and main street
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
