if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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