I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize