Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Randomize
