i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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