U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
