I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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