someone threw a dead crab at me
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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