Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
