I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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