I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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