i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
