she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
