Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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