Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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