Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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