I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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