Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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