Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
