Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
