he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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