Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
