if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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