While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
