Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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