im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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