Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
