i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
