I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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