You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
