Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
