her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
