don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
