From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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