You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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