He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
