I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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