I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
