I just cut my nipple shaving
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
