Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
