I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize