hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
