i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
