Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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