We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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