She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
