if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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