so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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